Officially 14 days. 14 days post surgery, 14 days of pain, 14 days of feeling completely overwhelmed, drained, and isolated. I have not been posting on here as I have had to do a lot of self realization. A lot of things have happened, a lot of confusing times, and a lot of crying. There is a story behind all of it as there always is.
My knee dislocated while at work. It was the worst dislocation I have ever had to date. It was so bad that my kneecap was actually on the side of my knee (ew… I know). My phone was in my purse and I dropped to the floor.
Thank God it was a slow Tuesday. I slowly, but surely had to wiggle my kneecap back it it’s place and the swelling began immediately. I had 2 hours left of work, but I dealt with it and just finished out promising myself to go to the doctor the next day if the swelling was that bad. After a doctor’s visit and an immediate call to the surgeon, I was on my way to a lot of tests to be en route for surgery. Depending on the type of surgery I would be out for 2 weeks post op or 8 weeks. Due to the severity of my knee and that it was doubled in size, my surgeon had to put me out of work.
The night before surgery and I was so scared. I convinced myself I wasn’t going to go. With my family and my boyfriend who drove me, I had no other option. I cried the whole way there with my boyfriend holding my hand and assuring me it would be OK. But no one knew. I went in alone wanting to just be alone and having that time to reflect. I did a lot of self reflection while they were hooking me up to monitors and sticking me with needles. I self reflected on people in my life and wishing well of those who are not anymore. Hoping that they could forgive me if they felt I wronged them and forgiving them if I felt they wronged me. Life is all about forgiveness and even if these people didn’t know, I prayed they would just feel for 2 seconds the forgiveness. I prayed for my family and hoping that I wasn’t that much of a problem as a teenager and that I helped to make their life better. I prayed for my friends that they enjoyed my company and they will still feel that way no matter what. I prayed for my cat of course.. He will always be my baby. I also prayed for my boyfriend. I hoped that he could forgive me if I ever hurt him and would still love me when I was in a brace and couldn’t do much for 8 weeks.
Post surgery was rough, but having family, friends, and my boyfriend there made it a bit easier (and my cat as long as he didn’t try to step on my leg). That night after surgery, I was surprised with a delivery of chocolate covered strawberries, a balloon, and a bear all from my boyfriend. It was like he knew what to do to make me feel better. I was 100% irritable, depressed, and in pain and all I wanted to do was to be isolated (and sleep). The days post op were hard, but people checking in on me and sending me cards and cute little fruit baskets helped.
I wanted to walk. Hell I still do. I just want to get up and go. I miss going out to shop and having date night with my boyfriend. I miss driving and being independent. In order to even pee, I had to get someone to lift my leg off of the bed and to the floor. When I first came home, I slept on the couch. In order to get up, I had to wiggle to a kitchen chair from the couch and attempt to raise myself up using the back of a step ladder. I lost patience. It took 2 hours for me to maneuver just to pee. Luckily now, I am able to maneuver more, but the pain hasn’t stopped. They took out the staples today… 24 to be exact and a few stitches. Step 1 I guess?
I want to go upstairs. I want to lay in my own bed. To not put any weight on my leg for 8 weeks? 56 days. To go through almost every movie and TV series in Disney+. I can’t even get upstairs to craft. There were rumors flying that I was faking this or it was due to weight. The amount of bills that have come in to the amount of pain I have been in since it happened, I would never fake that. And FYI, asked my surgeon has NOTHING to do with weight… It is from puberty *OK end rant*.
Patience has always been something I have struggled with. Anyone who knows me knows this is true. If I’m upset with someone or if someone is upset me with me, my first thing is to want to talk it out, but it might not be what they need. I’m a healer and a fixer. I want things over and done. I hate tension. I hate fights. I hate arguments. I have had to learn to give people space if they are upset. I have had to learn to give people time. I hope people learn to give me time too. Patience is not easy at all. I have always been a go getter. A chaser of my dreams. If I know someone is upset with me, I want to just fix it and move on. I guess that is how I deal with things?
So to anyone who I might have upset or anyone who might have been hurt by me, I am sorry. I’m sorry for acting out towards you. I’m sorry for hurting you. For anyone who has hurt me, I forgive you. I’m learning to forgive. I’m learning to understand. To myself, you can’t control everything. Some times you have to trust someone with a scalpel in their hands and you under anesthesia. Trust everything will work the way its supposed to. Trust that everything will heal properly. Trust that at the end of the day you stayed true to yourself. Maybe that’s the true patience… Is with yourself.
No Pasa nada. Forever, always, and a day.