The why

I have been opening up about my story. It’s hard to talk about it. It’s hard to talk about the after of what happens with any kind of abuse. No matter the time after it happens, after you tell your story you open up the vault of emotions and so many people have questions of why did you let it happen. So many people will not open up about the story and especially clam up when asked the why or just say “I don’t know.” I finally have answers for the why. For me at least.

“Why did you stay? Why didn’t you just leave” people will ask as they give me the look I was all too familiar with. The judgment, disapproving, the thousands of questions they have after that. I used to tell people “I don’t know” and I felt guilty for the way people made me feel. But now, I have way too many answers. Way too many. Let’s talk about the real one that is the main one. I was scared. I was scared for my family. I was scared for my job. I was scared for me. And to be honest, I was scared for him. Why did I care? I don’t know. But I did. I was scared for what he did to me and how I would GET BLAMED for everything I did.

It’s not funny, but after you are with a narcissist, you have to realize how many toxic traits you gained from being with them. My main one is taking blame. I was so used to it. For those years I took blame if the weather was shitty and his plans to go to the beach were ruined. Listening to me say this out loud I cringe. I can’t believe I would let myself be blamed for everything and anything. But still to this day, it’s just easier for me to take the blame. It’s easier to take the weight off of other’s shoulders and place it on my own. (Can that count as arm day? Asking for a friend).

Why else did I stay? I felt guilty. When you take blame for everything, you feel guilty for everything too. I feel guilty if someone is mad at me. I feel guilty if I said how I feel and someone gets upset. I was made to feel I was a hoe or a slut for things I wore (even to work) or a picture I would post (my family is on my social media). It is my body so I could wear what I want, but I’m not like that and it is okay if you like to be. I feel guilty for everything. Guilt is something that holds so heavy on your heart. So heavy on your soul. It makes you stay up at night, cry for no reason, and take blame once again.

The third and most annoying reason I stayed was because I thought I loved. I thought I knew what love was. I thought I knew what being in love and a healthy relationship was. “Healthy?” you might say! I know! I was blinded by a man who was this gentle, loving, caring, funny guy. But one day he took off his mask of what I wanted him to be. What did I see? I got to see the truth…. A monster. That’s the day I left. Maybe he took it off before, but he threw it back on so quick to try to keep me around, put the blame on me, made me feel guilty and kept it going. But once I saw the man behind the mask, I was scared…. So scared. I thought I would never see or feel what it’s like to see true love with a man who doesn’t need you for your money, your car, a place to stay, or someone to make you feel like shit so they feel better. It’s nice to feel needed for you to spend time with, being told someone misses you for your being (even after a few hours of not seeing you), someone who misses your kiss, your touch, your laugh, or even you annoying them. It’s a refresh to be happy… Truly happy.

So before you ask someone the why. Tell them the Congrats! Tell them you will be there when they are ready. Let them talk about it for days, weeks, or months after. PTSD can and will come after trauma from an abusive relationship. The nightmares that recreate those terrible days when you were scared and wanted it to be over. The days you prayed to God that it would stop. The times you tried to leave, but was threatened with your life. They will come. Let people talk about it with you. Let them say what is wrong. Otherwise, they will walk around and feel that it will come true all day long. It’s scary, but it’s true. I have opened up about my story. I have opened up to my family, my friends, and even my boyfriend. Everyone had questions. My answer was I was weak. Maybe I was weak then, but I’m the strongest I have ever been now that I can share my story. Move over body builders, this strength you can’t get in a gym!! 💪💪

So the first name of my blog is cats and I have had this blog for 6 months! Happy half year anniversary to me!! I never put up a picture of my cat. So meet my little fluff. He’s going to be 4 this year! *inserts cry here* While I am typing this, I’m tearing up. Maybe because I’m shocked I went through that, maybe because mine was nothing compared to other people who never was able to get out of it, or maybe because they are happy tears that I’m out of it. Either way, this little guy is cuddled up next to me and purrs and loves me when I start to cry and I put my phone down. He came in my life early for Christmas from my parents and he came at the perfect time to help me through a rough time of losing my puppy that I had for 15 years. He’s been through every cry, every late night anxiety attack, and every celebration where I grabbed him and put him in the air like in The Lion King. He is a huge piece of my heart ♥️♥️

People ask why to get an understanding. It should not be too ridicule. No pasa nada. I am proud of you!