Breaking down with life

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing ever seems to go right? One of those weeks where every day something new happens and it breaks your heart just a little more? A week where you contemplate if there is anything that will legit ever go right? Well, welcome to my week.

When you lose someone that is important to you and it sets in that you won’t see them anymore, won’t get to hear their advice, or just have that person to vent to its hard. Now imagine it’s someone who is like a mom… Someone who has been a best friend… Someone who is a pure human being. I lost that person this week. And I sobbed and tried to breathe. I didn’t think it was possible. I didn’t think it would happen. I held onto that hope like it was the best thing ever. I wanted hope to be real. When I found it isn’t, hope is fake. Why hold onto hope when it isn’t real at all. You hold onto this thing and you send prayers and prayers to whoever is listening and nothing happens. Nothing at all. Then you hear the news and that hope you believed in since you were a child…. All. Gone.

Grieving is a process. It’s a tough process. One that you need support, love, and an overall understanding of what is to come. You think that hearing the news is the worst? Oh no…. The rush of every emotion you have after is worse. I can handle grieving. I can handle every part of that. What I can’t handle? Is when the world has thrown 5 days of bad news and I can’t fully grieve. I can’t fully go through the process because as soon as I feel I am going into the next step, life throws something else at me and now I’m going through the whole God damn process again. Then it was 2 things, then 3 things. Every day it’s another thing to be sad, mad, upset about. I can’t get a full process of one thing to grieve let alone fucking 5. No, they were not all losses of people I loved. 4 big things happen to me and I lost someone who would have been somehow known without my mom filling her in that I was upset.

I am trying to be there for my family. Trying to stay positive. Trying to stay happy and act like nothing is wrong. But when your heart keeps breaking and when you think there is no more pieces it can break into, it breaks into more. I’m still trying to put the pieces back together and try to be strong and act like nothing is wrong, but everyone can see it all over my face. I don’t hide my emotions well. To have to say things out loud is what is hard. To talk about it. To face the truth. God, I’d rather just ignore it and act like everything is fine. Am I allowed to be validated with being upset about these other things? Am I allowed to feel not like myself? Am I allowed to ask why to the world? Can I let myself accept what is and realize I can’t change? How do I accept what is and deal with what can’t be? How do you let yourself stay strong when all you are doing is piecing together your heart with playdoh?

I’m hard on myself. I doubt most of my things about myself. My boyfriend gave this to me on Christmas. They are ‘pills’ that has a message to me about things he loves about me. I was supposed to read one a day, but if you know anything about me… I love this shit and can’t wait. So I may have read a lot (or all of them) this week. This one was my favorite out of everything. I realized I lost my laugh. I lost my smile. I lost who I was and this week has really just put me in a dark and twisty place. I didn’t want to think of anything positive about myself. When I read these, I saw that you might be upset, but you don’t know who needs to see you smile. Who needs you to say it will be okay. Who needs you to say I understand you want to be alone, but I’m never going to leave your side…we are in this together.

I once was told that you will never be thrown what you can’t handle. Well when you are holding a thousand groceries since you ‘didn’t need a cart’ and are just trying to get to the check out, it seems like you can’t handle it sometimes. Sometimes you just want someone to give you a big hug and say ‘I get it, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere’. Sometimes when you feel you aren’t yourself how you need to distance yourself from people who love you when in reality you need the people who love you the most there with you.

It’s hard to say no pasa nada because this feels like it won’t ever pass. But I like traditions….

No pasa nada te amo….forever always and a day

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