1 am and I stay awake in my bed. I’m over thinking and like most adults, my friends are asleep. I lay in my bed under my weighted blanket and I start to cry. Why? My feelings got ahead of me. I finally cry myself to sleep. At 3 am I wake up and grab my phone. Did I expect something to be there? No, but I hoped. Over thinking struck again. One might think it could have been a drink, but I didn’t even have one last night.
So what is going on you may ask? You get away from someone who is toxic. Not easy I can promise you that, but you know what is easy… Reliving the past. Getting away from someone toxic is the hardest thing you can do especially when you love them, but once you do, you can see the world in a different light. Will I always love that person? I will always have love for them, yes. But once you can look in the mirror and not know who you are staring at, it is time. No matter how much you may love or care for them. It’s your life stop living for others. You can revisit the past, but you can’t always let the good past let you forget about the bad past.
No one can ever stop you from missing someone or what you may have had. No one can stop you from loving or having love for someone. It doesn’t go away overnight. Trust me, I know. But one day you do wake up. You wake up and you make the year about you. You wake up to realize what you deserve and you make that first step. The first step is the hardest. But after that first step, damn does it get easier. So you take another one. *phew* another accomplishment. Your steps turn to strides which turned to leaps and the next thing you know, you are skipping around again. You have room on your heart for someone you didn’t think you could open up for.
You are going to feel broken. You will feel damaged. You will feel guilt. It isn’t just you I promise. You know the amazing part? When you can mend your own wound or put back the pieces yourself, you feel a lot better. No one can ever tell you how to feel. Your life. Your feelings. Feel free to feel how you want when you want.
So the other night, I had off. First Saturday in I can’t even tell you how long. It was a great day. My mind was kept clear and I enjoyed the day with family. That night, I made a drink for myself. Nothing fancy at all, but it looks pretty kick ass (and did it ever kick my ass). I wanted it to signify my freedom to feel how I want to feel, when I want to feel it, and where ever I want to feel it. So it had 3 layers which signify something for me. The bottom layer was made with 2 Oz of Blue Curacao. This is for my past and when I felt depressed. The middle layer is made with 4 Oz of orange juice. This represents my healing process. The top layer is made from a special alcohol of guava berry from St Martin (2 Oz of that). That is representing my future and how it’s OK to have wounds. Of course, I blended it with ice for each layer and layered it in the glass. Each sip made me feel like I was celebrating something amazing, but I also had guilt. Was I celebrating a death of a relationship that I finally feel over? Is that fair to the other person? So I mixed it all up (tasted better that way too). It created a beautiful purple color and I no longer saw the layers. I no longer saw the hurt. I no longer saw the pain. (and two cherries on top because is a cocktail a cocktail without a cherry?) *note-didn’t mean for that to sound as dirty as it did*
Like I said, it’s OK to feel how you want and when you want. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to sit in your bed and think of past times. If a relationship wasn’t meant to work out and be in your life for good, then it was meant to teach you something. Mine taught me how people shouldn’t be treated. It taught me how you should never lose sight over your light, dreams, and self so you can help someone else find their light. It’s a slow healing process for me. One that had its bumps. One that had issues and a few steps back at times. But for the ones around me, thank you for being patient. Thank you to the ones from afar wishing and hoping everything gets better. And thank you to the one who treated me bad. We had good times, but the bad outweighed the good. You taught me not to judge people for what you can’t see. You taught me how to find my inner strength. Most importantly, you taught me how someone who gives everything shouldn’t be treated. You taught me how inner strength starts with yourself. You taught me that love should never hurt and when it does it isn’t love anymore. You taught me that you have to do for you before you can do for others. Yes, you were my first love, but you won’t be my last.
To whoever I am in a relationship with next: you may see this or you may not. You may know my past or it may be something I hide as it was a rough 3 years. I do love people with my whole heart, but my heart is in a pretty big cage. So please do not shut me out. Open up to me when you can, show me appreciation, and love me for all I’m worth because I’m a great catch and you are lucky to have someone who won’t treat you like that as I will be lucky to have someone who can accept and help me bloom where I am planted.
So suck it down, live it up, and love. Love yourself, love life, and love the obstacles life puts in our path. Life is too short to not embrace every minute of it. No pasa nada.