And then there was you

I started this blog almost 2 years ago. I remember I wanted to write at least once a week. I should have over 100 posts. But things happen! Life happens. I remember getting so inspired over finally getting over a toxic and abusive ex. I felt so empowered. I felt so amazing to have my independence back. My freedom. Myself. Was I back to who I was? Hell no! I was still trying to find myself again. Find who I was. Love myself. It took a long time. Almost 2 years to be honest.

What changed? I really evaluated who I was surrounding myself with. What I was doing in life. What I was aspiring to do, be, and become. Was I making my family proud? Was I making myself proud? A very good friend of mine told me everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (thank you to him for introducing me to Madeas inspirational words many many years ago). That phrase right there proved right. Oh so right.

But the way I see it, is I don’t wish ill on any of these people. I wish the best on everyone, even if you wished ill on me. I don’t want to see anyone fail. I don’t want to wish bad on anyone. Karma will come back. I only try to do better than the woman I was yesterday. But also, I don’t want these people who wished ill on me back in my life. The people who tried to put me down. The people who tried to put my name in the dirt. The people who said I was lying about my surgery (OK not over that one, but still irritated). I’m all set. I hope you get all out of life that you deserve. And no, by me saying that it does not mean that I am wishing ill 😂😂

And then there was you. With all of the people in this world, then came you. You came out of no where. At a time where I felt I didn’t need you. I didn’t want you around. I knew I didn’t need you. I was happy. Content. Successful. And then there was you.

You shook my world upside down. My calmness was all over. I didn’t have my head on straight anymore. I didn’t get the normalcy in my life. You killed my confidence and also raised it. I was up, down, and all around. My emotions were heightened. I hated you. I loved you. I was proud to have you with me.

You were so strong. So strong the day I had my surgery. The day of my interview for my new job. When I couldn’t sleep at night. When I first woke up. Every minute of every day. The more I forgot about you or didn’t bother, the more you showed up. When I tried to forget you, there you were. You were like a stalker who I couldn’t get away. You were in my dreams. My every thought. My every nightmare. My everything.

And then there was you.

YOU!

You monster, you annoyance, you asshole. Everything I never wanted and everything you were. You were my heart ache, my heart burn, my nuisance, my issues, my troubles, my stomach aches, and my headaches.

You were also my confidence, my support, my devil’s advocate, my life, my heart beat, my butterflies in my stomach.

And then there was you.

The one who was there when I felt alone. The one who was there when I needed to cry, yell, sing, dance, and try on a thousand outfits (and settle for my first pick)!

YOU!

My anxiety.

There are days I wish I never had you. Days I wish I never met you. There are days I am glad to have you around. Days I look for you. The inner voice. The thing that can get my confidence up (surprisingly I know).

My anxiety is sometimes bad, sometimes good, but it is always there. I can admit I have it. I’m low key proud to say I have it and can (at times) overcome it. It comes up with situations without them happening. It evaluates someone cancelling plans as they don’t want to spend time with me. It takes something not going right and has me over react. It ignores the self doubt to give me boosts of confidence before an interview or a meeting/call with my boss. It makes me work harder. It has its bad times and it’s good times.

Anxiety isn’t all bad. It isn’t always a monster. It’s taking those bad moments and calming them down. It’s taking the good times and celebrating them. It’s taking time for you.

So dear anxiety, like many other people, you can try to put me down, I’m going to climb on top. I can see your faults, but I can celebrate the good.

And then there was you. But there is also me.

No Pasa nada. Te amo. ❤️

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