Let’s be fucking honest for a second. The world is in a terrible shitty place. 2020 started off terrible. First we had a potential WW3 and rumor had it there might be a draft (yes I am out of age, but my boyfriend is not). Then Corona hit and it still hasn’t gone anywhere. April led into the discovery of “murder hornets” and May…. It ended with an innocent HUMAN being killed for NO REASON. Has anyone’s anxiety gone down? Has anyone been able to wake up and say “hey, no anxiety today!” There has not been one day that I can say that mine has. I’m overwhelmed and to know that people live every day in fear is what is making my anxiety even worse.
I wake up with panic attacks often in the middle of the night not being able to take a breath. Mine only lasts for a minute or so. The fear that I have from that one minute can’t even RELATE to 9 minutes of fear, panic, utter chaos, and complete unjust. The last few nights have been really bad and after I finally catch my breath I cry and apologize to everyone who was never able to catch their breath. Never had the opportunity to be able to breathe. Never had the ability to take a gasp and let their lungs fill up with air.
Say their names. Research their story. Look at the pictures of their families, their loved ones and now look at yours. Imagine that happened to you or better yet to one of your family members and tell me you wouldn’t want to be protesting too. I sure as hell would. From sun up to sun down. All day… Every day.
I saw a post from a very close friend. She said “If you are not using your voice and your platforms you are part of the problem and not the solution.” I had this feeling of guilt, betrayal, and such a wake up to see I wasn’t using my voice and I was part of the problem. I feel that if you can catch yourself while you are making a mistake, then you can always change. I immediately messaged my friend and I apologized for not using my voice. Not using my platforms. Not being the person who I know I am. The words that came out of her mouth were so thoughtful and so kind. I think my heavy heart got heavier to hear some of her story. Hear how she feels. People are beautiful inside and out.
I wish I could say things will get better or this will pass, but it is out there. It is present. And as much work as people put in to try to eliminate that gap, it is still there. This gap, there should be no gap. There should be love and kindness. Equality for everyone. Love. Just love.
I want to go to a protest (can’t walk too far due to my knee). When I said it aloud, I was asked “Aren’t you afraid of the violence?” I thought about it for a second. Am I? Of course! Who isn’t afraid of violence. But when I really thought about it, my answer was “yes of course, but there are billions of people who have to worry about violence when they are pulled over, walking down the street, or just being civil and enjoying life in their homes every day.”
I told my friend that day that I am standing next to her to fight with her through this, behind her to support her and be her backbone when she feels weak, and in front of her to protect her. I see you. I hear you. I’m with you.
My hair-gician (hair stylist who makes magic), her daughter…. The girl I saw when she could not walk… Used her voice. She grabbed a megaphone and spoke how she feels. She had the whole crowd in sync and I can honestly say I was tearing up. Her voice is strong. Her message is clear. She is a beautiful, strong, independent, woman and she hasn’t even entered high school. I saw her when she was just a baby and to see her mom give her those wings, was a beautiful thing. She is strong. She is wise. Whatever she puts her mind to, she is going to accomplish. Why? She isn’t letting anything stop her or get in her way. After the year she had, I can say what tries to push her back is making her that much stronger. This is one woman I aspire to be like.
This is so beyond over whelming. This year. This anxiety. This fear. This world.
I always end my posts with “no Pasa nada” which means this too shall pass, but I can’t end it that way. I can’t end it because I hoped it would have passed. I hoped it would be over, but as long as there are racists in this world, it still never passes.
Do this country a favor. Go register to vote and let your voices be heard. Voting will not solve things over night, but sure as hell will help to put things in place. Call your local governers in office. Write letters. Go run for a position in your local office. Be the voice for the people who are not being listened to. Listen to them. Hear their story. Apologize to them for what they have dealt with. And once Corona is over, give people a hug. So many people could use one right about now.