The toughest letter I had to write

Dear you,

I thought I was going to end up with you. Today was our anniversary. I woke up with anxiety at 4 am. I didn’t understand why until I looked at the date. You never cared about anniversaries or important dates. Holidays. How I felt. Nothing. I meditated today. At 430. 430 in the morning and I’m thinking of you still. What the hell. Why are you still in my mind, thoughts, heart?

Instead of wondering the why and how you could do this to me, what are you up to, or who you are thinking about, I wanted to thank you.

Thank you for showing me that I lost myself. Thank you for teaching me that at least. Thank you for letting me go and letting me be free. It hurt like a bitch, but I learned how to stand on my own two feet. You always thought without you I would be alone. You forgot that my family and friends are my rocks. Together they built a wall to not let me fall down. You couldn’t isolate me away from them. You had an issue with that.

Thank you for helping me see that you tore my confidence apart. Thank you for every text, voicemail, and harsh words you said. I saved them don’t cha know. At first it was self depreciating, but now I laugh. It’s comedy for me. I’m glad I saved them. You never understood why I would repeat what you said when all of a sudden you wanted to act like nothing happened and be “nice”. You had an issue with that.

Thank you for tearing me down. Thank you in all honesty. I hated to wake up. It got harder every day. Going to sleep was impossible. I couldn’t get my eyes to stay shut without filling up with water. When I finally got to sleep, my dreams became nightmares and I woke up. Night terrors. You gave them to me, but I am grateful for them. Even with all of this, each day got better. Sleep got easier. Mornings got brighter. I didn’t need you next to me anymore. You had an issue with that.

Thank you for being selfish. Thank you for trying to take everything from me. I didn’t believe that you were after what I could give to you. You took many parts of me, crumbled others. But you my dear, gave me the biggest gift ever. You gave me my freedom. You gave me that back! That is priceless. And guess what! I’m traveling now. In the years we were together, I never traveled. I wanted to and now I can. Now I get to see the world like I have dreamed of. You had an issue with that.

Thank you for trying to hold me back. Key word trying. Thank you for thinking you had that power over me. For a while… You did. Now? Now I am taking over my life. Every time I tried, you got dangerous for me. So I backed down to make you happy. Damn I was blind. Now I can see it all. I see who you are. You put a blindfold over me and I tried so hard to peek out of it. You had an issue with that.

Thank you for hiding who you were. I spent so much time and energy imagining you were who I wanted you to be. Who I needed you to be. But you…. You are not that person and I can gamble you will never be that person. That’s OK! Yes, you took the place as my first love. I won’t take that away from you. But you always wanted me to change to be who you needed me to be. But you would never change. You had an issue with that.

Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for letting me vent to you and be the one I called with any news I had. Better yet, thank you for not caring. Thank you for not letting me feel anything but anger. I still felt. I just hated that you didn’t care about how I felt unless it affected you. But I promise you, I still felt. You had an issue with that.

You had an issue with everything. And for me to think you changed, well that’s my issue. I still do hope one day we can be friends. Everytime a day like this comes up, I want to talk to you. Tell you everything I’m feeling. Ask the why’s, how’s, who’s, and what’s. But instead I write. I will write this post to get it all out of my heart. So I can look back and remember how maybe we did have good times, but the bad were worse. I don’t think you will ever get out of my heart and I’ve been told it’s OK. “It will get better” or “give it time” they say, but a year later and some days just feel shitty. I’m OK with feeling shitty some days because I’d rather have dealt with a few days of feeling shitty and most days of being happy than never being able to be happy. Have an issue with that.

Love always,

Me

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